Dig Way Down Inside

I learned at a very young age that if you dig way down inside yourself and tried harder than you have ever tried before, that you can become the person you want to be. People tend to take the easy way out and make comments like, "I'm like this because of how I was raised." or "My family was messed up, always fighting, abusing alcohol, and I had no choice but to turn out like them."

I am here to tell you that is just a crock of crap! You're taking the easy way out. You have no ambition to succeed and to become a better person. It's true and the thing is, you know it. You're scared and maybe you don't know where to begin but you really want this. You need this for yourself more than for anyone else.

Well, let me tell you just a little bit about my childhood. My parents had their own business, they had a beautiful home, and they were very involved in a few private clubs. My parents had great cars, a lot on a lake, and four boats. My parents had three children, all girls. I was the youngest, my sisters were eight and ten years older than me. We always had the best clothes, toys, basically any item that someone else could see. My parents were very materialistic people.

My parents were very strict and when I say strict the couple of examples I can give you are, I was not allowed to wear jeans except on Fridays but they could not have one little hole in it, where I went and how long I was gone was totally monitored, I did my chores without question, and I never spoke with even the littlest testy tone when I spoke to them. Sounds great doesn't it? Sounds like a normal home that had parents that were a little strict.

My parents behind doors fought so much, their fights were violent, destructive, and to always be kept in silence from others. I remember being like seven years old, being brought to the hospital in my pajamas being warned to tell anyone who asked, that my mother's arm was bleeding and all cut up, from an accident where she had tripped and fallen through a glass window. I remember guns being held to family members heads because they were so messed up and fighting. I remember pills being taken to threaten suicide and threats to myself that I could never let anyone know that we were nothing but the fantastic family that everyone else thought we were. Mostly, I remember being scared way more than any child should be. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, I am trying to show you that you can move on and be better from all this.

Being so secretive all my life caused me a lot more problems. I couldn't tell anyone important things that were happening to me that should have been told. I kept so many secrets, some that could have put my life in danger. I was extremely scared, hurt, and defensive the minute someone would approach me in a negative way. I probably acted more like a snob in peoples eyes because I tried to act accordingly with how I was taught to act. My closest friends, even my boyfriend that I loved, didn't know what was happening in my life. I never told them till I was older, some I never told. Beyond a couple that witnessed a few things, nobody knew, the ones that did I made promise to not tell anyone. Most people never knew and really there was no reason for them to, I learned how to handle every situation myself, alone.

Now to get back to the point I'm trying to make. When I was eighteen, I had experienced the worst year of my life, and I decided that in order to make it better for myself that I had to change. Now when I say change, I mean more the way I was with people, public things, the way I reacted to things. I didn't want to be like my parents, was really the thing I didn't want to be. I was letting life kick me in the butt and using the way things were for my excuse.

I began my change by knowing one simple fact, I was a really good person. I always had a lot of friends, I really got along with most every person I met, I always helped people. Actually, I was better at helping others than I was at helping myself. That was just my start, I moved out of my home and then my journey really began. Leaving my parents home was an event in itself, they made it as hard as they could with threats and the works. But I did it and was lucky enough to have a family that loved me dearly take me in for a while. They were an important influence on me at that time and I love them dearly. From the day I made this decision to change I have worked on trust issues, being honest issues, and being confident that I hold an important role in my life. My defense issues were the hardest and I had to learn to let people know better what I was feeling inside. I had to learn that if a negative thought came my way it didn't mean that I wasn't loved. Sounds easy but even today I still have trouble with that. One good thing about it though is I can admit that I have this problem and than therefore work on it. I'm not blaming my past but changing my future.

I've overcome a lot in my life and I am so far away from being my parents that I couldn't be any happier. I some times feel that I am two separate people, the one who lived that life that seems like it was someone else, and the person that I am today. My husband knows most everything about my past and I have told my kids things that I felt would help them in their own lives. I told them because I wanted them to know that no matter what happens in their life not to use it as an excuse not to do better. With a lot of dedication and hard work, for yourself, make the changes you want to make in yourself and for yourself. Good Luck!

Click Here For Good Information