Your parent or friend is dying and you haven't spoken for a long time because of conflict between you, what do you do to be at peace with your decision?
I was talking to a close friend a few months ago that had a parent who was dying from cancer. The problem my friend was having was that her mom and her had a falling out and had not been speaking for a very long time. She was having trouble mostly because it took her so long to get to the point where she felt she had done everything she could do for that relationship and was content in her life without her mother. Now the tables were turning, her mother was very sick and who was going to care for her? My friend was the only child and her father had already passed away.
My friend, knowing that I had dealt with problems of my own with my parents, came to me for advice. Lets just say we sat and talked for at least three hours and when we were done she told me that I really helped her. She said because of all I had been through with my parents that she expected me to say the opposite than I did, I think she was hoping I would.
Trying to be as brief as I can on our conversation, I started by telling my friend how things occurred. I was married for a few months and hadn't spoken to my parents in several months. I, for the first time in my life, could be me without worry of a disaster being around the corner. My husband and I were entertaining a few of our friends in our apartment when my phone rang, it was my mother.
Good thing I had a couple drinks in me because I handled it more calmly. My mother told me my father was dying from lung cancer. My father and I were not close at all ever, actually, he was never a good father to me as I was concerned. I don't remember that phone conversation well enough to tell you what was said but I know I did a lot of listening. After our friends left our apartment and I told my husband what was happening, my brain had to sort out what I was going to do.
I will tell you that I came up with many more reasons not to go see him than I did to go see him. One fact remained steady, he was my father. Whether I liked, loved, or hated him, he was my father and he was dying. I went to my parents house for the first time since the horrible day that I left. God, it was hard to be there. There were no apologies for the past, no I love you's, no emotion but that I was doing what was expected of me.
I not only went there that first day but many days after, I stayed with my father when my mother couldn't be there, I went to the hospital when he was in there, and I was there at the hospital the day he died. The day my father died, I swear he waited for me to be there, it was the first time in my entire life that my father told me he loved me and was proud of me. The words came a little late for me but probably gave him some peace while dying.
Do I regret my decision to be there for my father? The answer is a definite NO, I would do the same if I had to do it all over again. I did the same with my mother after but she didn't pass away for another twenty-four years.
My feelings are this, people don't always meet your expectations, they don't even meet their own. As bad as things were in our home growing up there was always the thought it could have been worse. If I was to be honest, my decisions were truly based on what I could live with. I was becoming closer to the person I wanted to be and with respect for myself and my parents being my parents, I made the right decision.
My friends mother has since passed away, she did go back and spend time with her. Although the situations that made them part were never addressed and resolved, my friend is a peace with her decision.
If you have this same kind of situation, know that you are not alone, do what is best for you in the long run. You do not have to give in, you are not admitting defeat, you don't even have to talk about the past. You do, however, need to live in the future and be able to be at peace with your decisions.
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