Taking A Step Back Helps

The best thing to do when you are angry with someone is to take a step backward and take a really good look at the whole situation.

Trying to take that step is definitely not always an easy thing to accomplish. People get very caught up in the moment though when they don't take the time to evaluate the situation. The reactions and words passed are done from anger and not always what you wanted to say or do.

When people get really angry I think the first defense is to hurt the other person as much as you are hurting. The fights get so crazy and out of hand and by the end of them you are fighting over something that didn't even have to do with the problem that started it. Many times you don't even know what started the fight in the first place.

What you do know though is what you said or what the other person said that hurt. Many times people regret things that they say or do and think that an apology will clear it all up. The fact is words hurt, some times they hurt more than being punched, words are hard to forget.

Look at it this way, when somebody says something really nice to you, do you remember it? It is the same thing with someone saying something really bad, hard to forget.

How many times have you watched two people that you care about fight and cringe when they say something you know they didn't mean or shouldn't have said? If we learned to take that step back and take a good look before reacting, not every situation but some, we would have definitely have a different conclusion. Try taking that step back, encourage others to try taking it too.

If people said to each other, just give me fifteen minutes to think this out and then we'll talk, do you think it would work out better for everyone? I do. Make taking a step backward a new fighting rule in your home and let me know how it works for you.

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Dig Way Down Inside

I learned at a very young age that if you dig way down inside yourself and tried harder than you have ever tried before, that you can become the person you want to be. People tend to take the easy way out and make comments like, "I'm like this because of how I was raised." or "My family was messed up, always fighting, abusing alcohol, and I had no choice but to turn out like them."

I am here to tell you that is just a crock of crap! You're taking the easy way out. You have no ambition to succeed and to become a better person. It's true and the thing is, you know it. You're scared and maybe you don't know where to begin but you really want this. You need this for yourself more than for anyone else.

Well, let me tell you just a little bit about my childhood. My parents had their own business, they had a beautiful home, and they were very involved in a few private clubs. My parents had great cars, a lot on a lake, and four boats. My parents had three children, all girls. I was the youngest, my sisters were eight and ten years older than me. We always had the best clothes, toys, basically any item that someone else could see. My parents were very materialistic people.

My parents were very strict and when I say strict the couple of examples I can give you are, I was not allowed to wear jeans except on Fridays but they could not have one little hole in it, where I went and how long I was gone was totally monitored, I did my chores without question, and I never spoke with even the littlest testy tone when I spoke to them. Sounds great doesn't it? Sounds like a normal home that had parents that were a little strict.

My parents behind doors fought so much, their fights were violent, destructive, and to always be kept in silence from others. I remember being like seven years old, being brought to the hospital in my pajamas being warned to tell anyone who asked, that my mother's arm was bleeding and all cut up, from an accident where she had tripped and fallen through a glass window. I remember guns being held to family members heads because they were so messed up and fighting. I remember pills being taken to threaten suicide and threats to myself that I could never let anyone know that we were nothing but the fantastic family that everyone else thought we were. Mostly, I remember being scared way more than any child should be. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, I am trying to show you that you can move on and be better from all this.

Being so secretive all my life caused me a lot more problems. I couldn't tell anyone important things that were happening to me that should have been told. I kept so many secrets, some that could have put my life in danger. I was extremely scared, hurt, and defensive the minute someone would approach me in a negative way. I probably acted more like a snob in peoples eyes because I tried to act accordingly with how I was taught to act. My closest friends, even my boyfriend that I loved, didn't know what was happening in my life. I never told them till I was older, some I never told. Beyond a couple that witnessed a few things, nobody knew, the ones that did I made promise to not tell anyone. Most people never knew and really there was no reason for them to, I learned how to handle every situation myself, alone.

Now to get back to the point I'm trying to make. When I was eighteen, I had experienced the worst year of my life, and I decided that in order to make it better for myself that I had to change. Now when I say change, I mean more the way I was with people, public things, the way I reacted to things. I didn't want to be like my parents, was really the thing I didn't want to be. I was letting life kick me in the butt and using the way things were for my excuse.

I began my change by knowing one simple fact, I was a really good person. I always had a lot of friends, I really got along with most every person I met, I always helped people. Actually, I was better at helping others than I was at helping myself. That was just my start, I moved out of my home and then my journey really began. Leaving my parents home was an event in itself, they made it as hard as they could with threats and the works. But I did it and was lucky enough to have a family that loved me dearly take me in for a while. They were an important influence on me at that time and I love them dearly. From the day I made this decision to change I have worked on trust issues, being honest issues, and being confident that I hold an important role in my life. My defense issues were the hardest and I had to learn to let people know better what I was feeling inside. I had to learn that if a negative thought came my way it didn't mean that I wasn't loved. Sounds easy but even today I still have trouble with that. One good thing about it though is I can admit that I have this problem and than therefore work on it. I'm not blaming my past but changing my future.

I've overcome a lot in my life and I am so far away from being my parents that I couldn't be any happier. I some times feel that I am two separate people, the one who lived that life that seems like it was someone else, and the person that I am today. My husband knows most everything about my past and I have told my kids things that I felt would help them in their own lives. I told them because I wanted them to know that no matter what happens in their life not to use it as an excuse not to do better. With a lot of dedication and hard work, for yourself, make the changes you want to make in yourself and for yourself. Good Luck!

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Illness And Happy Endings

As I told you before my in laws moved in with us for a couple years and my sister in law was sixteen at the time. Sixteen is a hard age for anyone and my sister in law, Ann, had a really difficult situation ahead of her that would change her life forever.

When I first met Ann she was six years old and I use to spend a lot of time with her. She was the youngest of five children and being a lot younger than the other children, three being boys, she needed the attention. I would take her to the beach and to my house to let her play with all my makeup and hair stuff. We became really close, she was my flower girl in my wedding. Ann spent many weekends at my house when we still lived in Maine and she loved helping me with my first daughter after she was born. Ann and I had formed a bond that was very close.

After we moved to Pittsburgh Ann went through some rough times that every teenager does, going out with boys that she shouldn't, not getting such hot grades, and getting into a little bit of trouble with other things. When she moved to Pittsburgh with her parents she was not a very happy camper but we all hoped it would be for the best. It took awhile but she made friends and her and I began to once again form that close bond.

When Ann moved into our house things were pretty good, of course nothing is perfect, but for the most part good. You have to picture there were eight people living under one roof, two families with their different styles of living, thank god we loved each other.

Ann started to get very sick and she had a lot of pain so we took her to the doctors. I can't even begin to make you understand how many doctor and hospital visits we had before we found out what was wrong with her. The doctors had diagnoised her with everything in the book but what she had, they even actually accused her of making it up! Her mother did not drive so I was at every visit with her and after the fifth time of her endlessly being in the hospital I lost it.

Ann was in so much pain and it was like nobody cared or believed her, it had been six months since the initial visit. One of the most important things I have ever done in my life was what I did next, I called Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. We immediately signed her out of the hospital she was in and I brought her to Childrens. Within one day we found out that Ann had Lymphoma cancer in all of her lymphoids. She was immediately treated with chemotherapy and this treatment would go on for years.

After spending some time in Children's Hospital Ann came home and I brought her to all her appointments. Worry is putting lightly what everyone was feeling. It is very hard to be strong and confident when you are looking at a child being so sick but she needed that from us. My children were small and they grew up fast in that way, My oldest daughter wrote a essay for her school on Ann that she won a award for. She was in fifth or sixth grade at the time and I don't believe there was a dry eye in the room. Her mother and father were beside themselves but helped her through everything as did my husband and myself.

The sounds of Ann being sick after her treatments and the first time she screamed when she lost her hair haunt me. I can't tell you how many emergency trips we made to Children's, all I remember is driving like a bat out of hell while her mother cared for her in the back seat. Seventeen and dealing with all this, also being in another state where you don't have those lifetime friends to hold you together. Ann missed many, many days of school that year but the school was great. Ann had a super tutor that came over all the time, she became a close family friend, I remember a group from the school coming to our door and giving her a coat and gift certificate which I thought was very kind. People help, kindness helps, you never forget what people do for you in times like that.

Ann, after years of chemotherapy, was in remission and was told the cancer was gone. She was told that she would never be able to have children and for the first five years would have to be checked regularly.

Today, Ann is around thirty six, she is married with two beautiful children. Ann is proof that miracles can happen, she is proof that if you or someone in your family is going through this or something similar that there can be a happy ending.

Unwanted Changes

When my Children were pretty young we had a lot happen within our family that caused us to make changes in our lives. My mother and father in law still lived in Maine and my father in law had a bad heart attack leaving him unable to work or take care of himself on his own. This left my mother in law in a bad situation because she did not work enough to take on her bill situation. Also, my in laws still had a sixteen year old child living with them.

I went to Maine because my husbands job could not let him go at that time and I helped my mother in law go through all her financial situations. I made all the phone calls that needed to be made and after all was said and done we had decided to bring them back to Pittsburgh to live near us.

We moved them to an apartment that was only a few streets away from us, they had money from selling their home in Maine. I knew moving was so hard on them because it had been hard on me and they had lived in Maine all their lives. My father in law had been a walking mailman and he was involved with clubs. My mother in law had many friends and family that lived in Maine also. My sister in law was sixteen and, well, I don't have to tell you how hard that was for her.

The reason they moved to Pittsburgh was because they were very close to my husband and myself. They knew we would take care of them and felt it was best for their youngest daughter. You see, being that their was a huge age gap between them, it was hard for them to understand their daughter and she tended to cause them a few problems. You can imagine that moving was a big problem for her.

After a few years of living in the apartment, their finances were turning hard. They were still paying bills for Maine and here, things were starting to get tight. We decided to add a addition on our house and had them all come live with us. For a while things were ok, there was so much confusion at first.

After two years we all together decided that it was just to much strain on our relationship to be in one house. I am telling you that we love each other very much but it just had things that really just didn't work out. It certainly wasn't for the lack of trying.

My mother in law was working for my husband at that time and we found a small home that had a really good rent price and they moved there. For a couple more years they had this home and seemed to be very happy and content until my father in law had another heart attack, my nephew was hit by a car (he is fine now), and all this caused my mother in law to have a severe stroke that left her unable to be left alone. Now we had two parents that were not able to be alone and in wheel chairs.

Try to find help out there, one that you actually can do and is affordable. If you can find it, I couldn't, but I wish you luck. I worked full time at this time and my children were growing up fast, I needed to work. After many, many attempts to try to find a solution we ended up having them move back to Maine with their other son who owns his own restaurant that is right beside his house. There is always somebody home and they would be well taken care of.

This killed us, my children cried, we cried, they cried. We felt like we had let them down and their brother tried to tell us it was his turn and not to feel that way. I think we will always feel bad about that decision even though we know it was the right thing to do for them. Putting them in a nursing home was not a option and none of us could have afforded to do that anyway. Their daughter, being older and married now, remained in Pittsburgh.

I know there must be many of you out there dealing with this same kind of situation and I just want to let you know you are not alone. Talk to someone, don't hold it all in, these feelings can really be hard to deal with. I know, I had a lot of trouble dealing and it was really hard on my husband. You feel like you let everyone down, my children were so close to their grandparents as you can imagine. If you need to vent, please do so, just letting it out may help you.

Now, my father in law, has passed away. He was on his way to a birthday party so you know he was happy. My mother in law still lives with my brother in law but now visits here at least a few times a year. My sister in law is married, has two children and still lives in Pittsburgh. I will tell you more about my sister in law in my next article, it will be something you will want to read.

Your Child Attending College This Year?

Your child attending college this year? Believe me, I understand all the feelings you may be going through.

Maybe it is your first child leaving to go to college and you are having a lot of anxiety just thinking about it. The first is always the hardest for everyone because it is the first time you are having to deal with this and you have constant doubts on every decision you make.

I found that it was really hard to get answers to the many questions I had. Where to find money to be able to send your child is the hardest. I had three go through and I can honestly say we were never sure we were going about things the correct way, or maybe I should say the most beneficial way for our family.

Your first child is hard to let go, the fear you feel for letting them go tends to over weight the feeling of excitement you feel for them at the same time. Maybe your child is going far away or maybe they're just staying close, both is hard.

I can tell you from my own experience that all three of my children stayed pretty close but all went to different schools. Each of my children went to a college that really fit their personality and also to a school that offered a good education in the field they were going into.

I found that them being close enough to come home when they wanted, be able to call for free when they wanted, and stay at college and enjoy their new found freedom worked well for all of us. Believe it or not I saw my kids quite a bit and they called frequently. I believe it is because I tried not to put to much pressure on them and tried hard to understand their wants and needs.

I am not saying this was always easy because that would be a flat out lie. When my oldest left, I cried. When my second left I felt better on a lot of things that bothered me the first time but still, I cried. My third, being she was the farthest away, I was concerned. I still felt comfortable in a lot of ways because of the experience I had but still, I cried. I helped them all to a point of getting their rooms set up and left immediately, why sit looking at each other and making the day harder? I knew they wanted to get started with their new life.

Give your child all the advice you can give them of any situation you can think of. Offer support at a moments notice whenever they may need it. Cheer them up every once in awhile by stopping by and taking them out to eat or sending them something. Tell them what you expect of them and remind them of that once in awhile. Most of all, trust them and give them this time to grow and learn to become this person they are intended to be.

I have three teachers now, not all with permanent jobs, but they are all working in their field. They have made me very proud and all those things that worried me about college days are in my past. You will never stop worrying about your children, thier age doesn't matter, and there will always be a new adventure in their lives.

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Gifts From The Heart

Are you finding buying presents for people have really become a problem? We all buy presents that we really can't afford and it only makes the pressure on our money situation harder.

We all seem to get caught up in those family or friend gift circles that cause us conflict. I think it is time we start changing things. It is time to talk and understand that there are better ways to celebrate someone's occasion then without spending a lot of money that you don't have.

Presents that come from the heart are the best. Think about this, what is the most treasured gifts you have every received? I know, some of you are saying that diamond ring, trip, TV, etc., but did you treasure it?

When I think of gifts that I treasured I think of the flowers that my husband would pick for me and bring them home without it really being any special occasion, I think of the person that came over and helped me accomplish something when they knew that I needed the help, I think of the things my kids would make and give to me, and I treasure just sharing time with my friends and family.

All these things and so much more can make great gifts, all they do is require your time and effort. You will find that you will feel like you have really done something worthwhile and the receiver will never forget you. What better thing to teach your child how to give gifts like that. Like Fathers Day is coming up, maybe they can wash dads car, mow the lawn, spend the day with him, all without being asked. Don't you think that would mean a lot and be noticed a lot more?

It's time to be honest with people and start bringing things back to basics. It's time to start enjoying each others occasions instead of dreading the one that is coming up. Try to shorten your money gift giving list and find creative gifts to give from your heart. There is always something you can do for someone.

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Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

I was watching this commercial last night and it questioned on how many times you question decisions that you have made. It referred to having money problems and whether you would send your child to college or not because of those money problems. It talked about if you gave your child a correct punishment that was deserved because of an act they had participated in and so fourth.

It had really nothing to do with what it was advertising about but it really made me stop and think of how many times we doubt the decisions we make every day. I think as much as we believe in what our decision is that there is always that little piece of doubt if it was the right one.

We hope that decision has the conclusions we are picturing it to have. No matter what the situation is we have to take the person or persons involved, the situation at hand, and combine the two to see how we see it all act out. What we see isn't always the way it plays through but we learn from that.

Not every decision we make has to be the best, that decision doesn't have to have the perfect ending. No matter how confident you are there will always be some doubts of your decisions. We are not made to be perfect people and we will not always make the perfect decision.

Don't put more pressure on yourself than you need to. If you have put thought into your decision and feel good about it, you have done your part. If things don't work out the way you had planned you can always make a new decision, now I'm talking the normal every day decisions.

Say that you are having financial difficulty and your child wants to go to college, of course look into any programs that can assist you, maybe have your child live at home and go to a community college, or have them hold off a year and work to save some money to attend the next year. As long as you are honest of the reasons for that decision with the people involved you are doing the right thing.

We put so much pressure on ourselves every day and we need to stop or at least give ourselves a break. This is just a thought for the day, the commercial just got me thinking.

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Sharing Sleep Habits

How many times do you wake up during the night and find that you can't fall back to sleep? Don't you hate people that can just go to bed and sleep all night long?

I have always been a very light sleeper, the littlest noise wakes me up and then my head starts thinking so I can't fall back to sleep. It really is just the way I am, I don't find there to be a cure for me. I even take Tylenol pm, it helps, but I still wake up frequently.

Now my husband is another story, he goes to bed and is out in a few minutes waking up the next morning. I envy him, wish I could do that even a couple times a week.

I dream a lot too, some times one dream after another. I think that is because I wake up and when I finally fall back to sleep it is with a new dream.

Sleeping habits are hard to break, they are also a habit that would contribute to having a better day. A certain amount of sleep is required but I am beginning to think that different people require different amounts of time that they need sleep. I require about 6 hours of sleep and actually I function very well during the day. My husband requires more sleep and when he doesn't get it he needs to make up for it the next day.

They say that older people require less sleep and that is kind of scary because I can't imagine sleeping any less than I already do.

I would really like to hear from some of you out there on this subject. Let me know about your sleeping habits? What you've tried? What you have found works well for you? What annoys you about how well others sleep? Even if you are just like me and except it as the way you are?

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Together For A Stressless Easter

Here it is April 6th and here in Pittsburgh we are waiting on snow. Do you believe this! With the holiday weekend coming up I am sure you all have plans as I do and would love some wonderful weather. Most of the clothes advertised for Easter are summery and if the weather remains this way we'll all be in sweaters!

Holidays are sometimes very stressful for people, especially the people that are the ones who always do everything. Easter is the one holiday I have changed in my life. You see, I too, am that person that always hosts the holiday meals and functions.

A few years ago, I decided that I deserved a change and now we meet at a restaurant for a big breakfast all together and then everyone has the rest of their day to do as they please. I love it! No spending too much money, no cooking, no cleaning up, it is wonderful. You get to be waited on and share quality time with the family and still have the day to do anything you please. We even meet our friends at the place we eat, very enjoyable.

I also found that I was not the only one that this arrangement helped. My oldest daughter is married and it gives her time to spend with both families and not be in such a rush. I understand and remember too well how hard it was when my husband and I had to eat two meals on holidays to please everyone. My sister in law has two children and it makes it easier on them to go between families and functions. All in all, everyone is very content.

Money being like it is right now for a lot of people I think you may find this to be a cheaper way to get together and enjoy you day. By the time that you buy your food, drink, and supplies you need the cost can be very high and you still have the shopping, preparing, and cleaning up to do.

No matter what your preference is for your holiday, enjoy and Happy Easter!

Laughter, Best Remedy Ever!!

Laughter is the best medicine, now there is a very common comment. I also believe this one, laughter is the best medicine.

When you are laughing and enjoying yourself there is no better feeling. Your spirits are high, your outlook is positive, and you feel better all over.

Haven't you ever experienced a time when you were at your lowest and that right person came along and said or did something that just made you start laughing? Have you ever watched a show on TV and someone did something that made you laugh out loud when you were the only one in the room? Here's a good one too, how about reading cards that you are buying for someone and you find yourself laughing out loud in the store? Laughing is a great remedy for all that ails you.

Remember I told you earlier about going to get your yearly physical? Well, my results ended up being nothing that I had expected. I found that I need to have surgery to get my ovary removed because of a tumor that is growing on it. This will be my third operation because of these same kind of problems and it just kind of blind sided me because I thought I was done with all that.

Anyway, getting back to the laughter part, I have been pretty down and went to tell my best friend what was going on. She is a cook and was working in the kitchen where she works so I went in there to talk to her. As I was telling her I started to cry a little and she came over to give me a hug and I went to hug her back. In that little bit of time she closed the microwave door that was right beside us and my sleeve got caught in the door. I had to say, I can't hug you because I am stuck in the microwave door. We both started laughing, it took the pressure off and made it all easier in some ways. My friends and family make me laugh a lot and I know from experience that it is my best medicine.

I watch Ellen on TV for that reason, the woman can make me laugh like no other. I enjoy her so much and I can count that I will laugh while watching her show. Friends and Mad About You use to do the same thing.

Find whatever it takes to give you a laugh in your day. It doesn't matter if it is a TV show, friends, family, or a stranger for that matter. You will feel so much better from laughing and you will be able to handle whatever is in your path in a healthier manner.

Find Your Positive Outlook

Do you have a hard time finding a way to maintain a positive outlook in your life? Do you find that it is easier to be depressed and alone?

Well, you are not alone and it is easier to let yourself feel that way, but it is not the answer. Reach way down inside yourself and find that person that wants to make today and all your tomorrows better and just plain work on it. You are not going to have any immediate change but if you really try, you can do it.

There are so many obstacles in our lives to interfere with us keeping that positive outlook. We deal with health, weight, family, money, jobs, loss, and that is just to name a few. We take care of one situation and another one crops up. You start to question just how much more can you take? What did you do to deserve this? Will it ever end?

How many times have you heard someone say, "God only gives you what you can handle", "Every problem only makes you a stronger person", or "You'll get through this"?

To some extent all those sayings are true, you have to handle it, you will get stronger, and you will get through it. How you do this though is totally up to you.

Positive thinking is a necessity to get you through every day. I know it is so hard sometimes to find that positive thought but when you do it is easier to move ahead. You think more clearly, you act and feel healthier mentally and physically, and you find solutions that you may never have discovered just by thinking in a more positive manner.

Don't ever feel alone, we all share the obstacles that are thrown at us. Think positive and if you're finding that hard to do, call a friend that can help you find that positive feeling, that's what friends are for.

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