My Grandmother

Every one has that one special person in their life that stood beside them always and loved you more, you feel, than anyone else. My Grandmother would be that person for me. I don't know what my life would have been like without my Grandmother. I was lucky enough to at least have her in my life for fourteen years before she passed away.

I spent a lot of time with my grandmother when I was growing up. At first when I was very little, I don't remember where she lived, but I remember waiting for her anxiously to come visit me. My parents house was very big and there was a apartment on the other side of the house, eventually she moved in that apartment.

While my Grandmother lived there, I think I spent more time with her than at my own part of the house. My Grandmother brought comfort and love to my life where my parents were not capable of those traits. I can remember playing bingo, rummy, and cribbage all the time with her. Her favorite shows were Parry Mason and Emergency, I watched them all the time with her. I loved grocery shopping with my Grandmother, she always let me pick out a couple things I really wanted. I also cleaned for my Grandmother regularly and it was something I actually looked forward to.

My parents traveled a lot so I was lucky that my Grandmother was always there to take care of me, I couldn't have asked for a better babysitter. When things got rough at home with my parents my Grandmother use to let me talk into a tape recorder and get out all the things I was feeling. I really don't think that she did this for any other reason than to help me vent.
She worried about me so much and I knew it.

My Grandmother was my constant, she was the one person I knew would always be there. When I was about eleven years old my Grandmother fell down from my back porch and broke her hip which had her laid up in a nursing home for awhile. The nursing home was not too far from my house so I didn't mind so much because I could walk there and I knew that it was only temporary.

When my Grandmother was better my mother decided that it was time for her to move into a senior citizen place to live. I was not happy at all for this decision and I will never believe it was what my Grandmother wanted. I still stayed with my grandmother every weekend, she lived close to my school and a couple of my friends so it worked out fine. It got to a point where I would even go down and join the functions that were going on there with her, all the older people enjoyed me very much. I took dance lessons for several years so I would put on shows for them and stuff.

Nearing closer to the time my Grandmother passed away, I didn't go there as much. I got involved in so many activities and boys came into my life. I still saw her quite a lot but not as much as before, I always felt bad about that. One day I came home to find out that my Grandmother had died in her sleep, it was the worst news I ever could have heard.

I missed my Grandmother more than words can tell but I am grateful for having her. I found out a couple years later that the night before she passed away that my Grandmother had called my aunt and asked her to make sure I was ok and didn't get married to get away from my house. I guess she kind of knew it was her time. My Grandmother cared for me right up till the last minute and I wouldn't give up a minute that I spent with her.

Grandmothers are so important, the role they can take on in a child's life is priceless. I named my daughter after my Grandmother and I hope she realizes how special that is to me.


Constructive Ways To Help You Live

Get Rid Of All The Clutter

Spring is a great time to get rid of all the clutter and things that have been hanging around your house for years because someone thought for sure they would use it for something or that they would be able to gain or lose weight to fit in that particular item again.

Time to let things go, the only time you think of these things is when you are spring cleaning any way. All year long you don't even remember you had these items until you spring clean, then you use the same excuse as you did last year to keep that item.

Cleaning up and making room for new things gives you a good feeling. Getting rid of things finally means next year you won't be facing the same question of throwing the item away.

One year I took it upon myself to clean out the garage, it took me all day but I really accomplished a lot. My husband had so many things hanging around that were never used that it wasn't funny. Someone would be getting rid of something in the neighborhood and he would be picking it up for the reason that some day he just might need it. I threw so much out, he almost panicked when he saw all I threw out.

Funny thing is, it has probably been five years since I did that clean up job and he hasn't asked once for any article that I got rid of.

Of course pay close attention to anything that might be of value. If you question the worth of an item, it is smart to have someone with knowledge look at it before discarding that item.

I've of remembered the Shirley Temple doll I had, or the beatles balloon people I had, or a whole set up of all the presidents through the years. I was young and didn't think I wanted them any more, god I wish I had known better!

Be Your Own Best Friend

Do You Hate Your Mirror?

Do you hate looking in your mirror? A important fact I have found in my life is that you need to feel good about yourself. You need to try every day to make the changes in your life to make that feeling possible.

I always thought if you can look in the mirror and like what you see on the inside and out that you have done your job for that day. I think when you really look at yourself in the mirror you see things that you might not notice about yourself.

You can make changes on the way you look, maybe you want to change your hair, makeup, weight, anything along that line. You can also make changes that will change the look you see on your face. When you look in the mirror do you see a person that isn't getting enough sleep? Do you see someone who isn't happy or is carrying around a lot of stress?

It is so important that you notice the person you are seeing in that mirror. When you can recognize the problem, you can then work on solving it. Whether it be something really minor or something major that you want to change doesn't matter, it is that you took the time to notice.

An example of this would be that when my kids use to come home with their report card and sometimes their grade wouldn't be as good as the last time. My children would give me their report card and wait to see how I would respond. Early on I learned that it was better for both of us if I laid the response on them. I would say, "Hey, if you can look in the mirror and you are happy with that grade and you know you have done the best you can do then ok.". It worked for us, because then they began to notice that only they had the power to make things the way they wanted them to be.

I believe this theory can work for all people if they give it a try. When you are really looking at yourself it is hard to lie, it's harder to let things go, it's harder to not notice.

Funny thing, that mirror, it shows you a person that you have all the power in the world to change. That mirror gives you the ability to make you feel better about yourself on the inside and out.

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Be At Peace With Your Decisions

Your parent or friend is dying and you haven't spoken for a long time because of conflict between you, what do you do to be at peace with your decision?

I was talking to a close friend a few months ago that had a parent who was dying from cancer. The problem my friend was having was that her mom and her had a falling out and had not been speaking for a very long time. She was having trouble mostly because it took her so long to get to the point where she felt she had done everything she could do for that relationship and was content in her life without her mother. Now the tables were turning, her mother was very sick and who was going to care for her? My friend was the only child and her father had already passed away.

My friend, knowing that I had dealt with problems of my own with my parents, came to me for advice. Lets just say we sat and talked for at least three hours and when we were done she told me that I really helped her. She said because of all I had been through with my parents that she expected me to say the opposite than I did, I think she was hoping I would.

Trying to be as brief as I can on our conversation, I started by telling my friend how things occurred. I was married for a few months and hadn't spoken to my parents in several months. I, for the first time in my life, could be me without worry of a disaster being around the corner. My husband and I were entertaining a few of our friends in our apartment when my phone rang, it was my mother.

Good thing I had a couple drinks in me because I handled it more calmly. My mother told me my father was dying from lung cancer. My father and I were not close at all ever, actually, he was never a good father to me as I was concerned. I don't remember that phone conversation well enough to tell you what was said but I know I did a lot of listening. After our friends left our apartment and I told my husband what was happening, my brain had to sort out what I was going to do.

I will tell you that I came up with many more reasons not to go see him than I did to go see him. One fact remained steady, he was my father. Whether I liked, loved, or hated him, he was my father and he was dying. I went to my parents house for the first time since the horrible day that I left. God, it was hard to be there. There were no apologies for the past, no I love you's, no emotion but that I was doing what was expected of me.

I not only went there that first day but many days after, I stayed with my father when my mother couldn't be there, I went to the hospital when he was in there, and I was there at the hospital the day he died. The day my father died, I swear he waited for me to be there, it was the first time in my entire life that my father told me he loved me and was proud of me. The words came a little late for me but probably gave him some peace while dying.

Do I regret my decision to be there for my father? The answer is a definite NO, I would do the same if I had to do it all over again. I did the same with my mother after but she didn't pass away for another twenty-four years.

My feelings are this, people don't always meet your expectations, they don't even meet their own. As bad as things were in our home growing up there was always the thought it could have been worse. If I was to be honest, my decisions were truly based on what I could live with. I was becoming closer to the person I wanted to be and with respect for myself and my parents being my parents, I made the right decision.

My friends mother has since passed away, she did go back and spend time with her. Although the situations that made them part were never addressed and resolved, my friend is a peace with her decision.

If you have this same kind of situation, know that you are not alone, do what is best for you in the long run. You do not have to give in, you are not admitting defeat, you don't even have to talk about the past. You do, however, need to live in the future and be able to be at peace with your decisions.

Learn How to Control Your Stress Rather Than Letting it Control You

Taking A Step Back Helps

The best thing to do when you are angry with someone is to take a step backward and take a really good look at the whole situation.

Trying to take that step is definitely not always an easy thing to accomplish. People get very caught up in the moment though when they don't take the time to evaluate the situation. The reactions and words passed are done from anger and not always what you wanted to say or do.

When people get really angry I think the first defense is to hurt the other person as much as you are hurting. The fights get so crazy and out of hand and by the end of them you are fighting over something that didn't even have to do with the problem that started it. Many times you don't even know what started the fight in the first place.

What you do know though is what you said or what the other person said that hurt. Many times people regret things that they say or do and think that an apology will clear it all up. The fact is words hurt, some times they hurt more than being punched, words are hard to forget.

Look at it this way, when somebody says something really nice to you, do you remember it? It is the same thing with someone saying something really bad, hard to forget.

How many times have you watched two people that you care about fight and cringe when they say something you know they didn't mean or shouldn't have said? If we learned to take that step back and take a good look before reacting, not every situation but some, we would have definitely have a different conclusion. Try taking that step back, encourage others to try taking it too.

If people said to each other, just give me fifteen minutes to think this out and then we'll talk, do you think it would work out better for everyone? I do. Make taking a step backward a new fighting rule in your home and let me know how it works for you.

Ways to evolve right here

Dig Way Down Inside

I learned at a very young age that if you dig way down inside yourself and tried harder than you have ever tried before, that you can become the person you want to be. People tend to take the easy way out and make comments like, "I'm like this because of how I was raised." or "My family was messed up, always fighting, abusing alcohol, and I had no choice but to turn out like them."

I am here to tell you that is just a crock of crap! You're taking the easy way out. You have no ambition to succeed and to become a better person. It's true and the thing is, you know it. You're scared and maybe you don't know where to begin but you really want this. You need this for yourself more than for anyone else.

Well, let me tell you just a little bit about my childhood. My parents had their own business, they had a beautiful home, and they were very involved in a few private clubs. My parents had great cars, a lot on a lake, and four boats. My parents had three children, all girls. I was the youngest, my sisters were eight and ten years older than me. We always had the best clothes, toys, basically any item that someone else could see. My parents were very materialistic people.

My parents were very strict and when I say strict the couple of examples I can give you are, I was not allowed to wear jeans except on Fridays but they could not have one little hole in it, where I went and how long I was gone was totally monitored, I did my chores without question, and I never spoke with even the littlest testy tone when I spoke to them. Sounds great doesn't it? Sounds like a normal home that had parents that were a little strict.

My parents behind doors fought so much, their fights were violent, destructive, and to always be kept in silence from others. I remember being like seven years old, being brought to the hospital in my pajamas being warned to tell anyone who asked, that my mother's arm was bleeding and all cut up, from an accident where she had tripped and fallen through a glass window. I remember guns being held to family members heads because they were so messed up and fighting. I remember pills being taken to threaten suicide and threats to myself that I could never let anyone know that we were nothing but the fantastic family that everyone else thought we were. Mostly, I remember being scared way more than any child should be. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, I am trying to show you that you can move on and be better from all this.

Being so secretive all my life caused me a lot more problems. I couldn't tell anyone important things that were happening to me that should have been told. I kept so many secrets, some that could have put my life in danger. I was extremely scared, hurt, and defensive the minute someone would approach me in a negative way. I probably acted more like a snob in peoples eyes because I tried to act accordingly with how I was taught to act. My closest friends, even my boyfriend that I loved, didn't know what was happening in my life. I never told them till I was older, some I never told. Beyond a couple that witnessed a few things, nobody knew, the ones that did I made promise to not tell anyone. Most people never knew and really there was no reason for them to, I learned how to handle every situation myself, alone.

Now to get back to the point I'm trying to make. When I was eighteen, I had experienced the worst year of my life, and I decided that in order to make it better for myself that I had to change. Now when I say change, I mean more the way I was with people, public things, the way I reacted to things. I didn't want to be like my parents, was really the thing I didn't want to be. I was letting life kick me in the butt and using the way things were for my excuse.

I began my change by knowing one simple fact, I was a really good person. I always had a lot of friends, I really got along with most every person I met, I always helped people. Actually, I was better at helping others than I was at helping myself. That was just my start, I moved out of my home and then my journey really began. Leaving my parents home was an event in itself, they made it as hard as they could with threats and the works. But I did it and was lucky enough to have a family that loved me dearly take me in for a while. They were an important influence on me at that time and I love them dearly. From the day I made this decision to change I have worked on trust issues, being honest issues, and being confident that I hold an important role in my life. My defense issues were the hardest and I had to learn to let people know better what I was feeling inside. I had to learn that if a negative thought came my way it didn't mean that I wasn't loved. Sounds easy but even today I still have trouble with that. One good thing about it though is I can admit that I have this problem and than therefore work on it. I'm not blaming my past but changing my future.

I've overcome a lot in my life and I am so far away from being my parents that I couldn't be any happier. I some times feel that I am two separate people, the one who lived that life that seems like it was someone else, and the person that I am today. My husband knows most everything about my past and I have told my kids things that I felt would help them in their own lives. I told them because I wanted them to know that no matter what happens in their life not to use it as an excuse not to do better. With a lot of dedication and hard work, for yourself, make the changes you want to make in yourself and for yourself. Good Luck!

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Illness And Happy Endings

As I told you before my in laws moved in with us for a couple years and my sister in law was sixteen at the time. Sixteen is a hard age for anyone and my sister in law, Ann, had a really difficult situation ahead of her that would change her life forever.

When I first met Ann she was six years old and I use to spend a lot of time with her. She was the youngest of five children and being a lot younger than the other children, three being boys, she needed the attention. I would take her to the beach and to my house to let her play with all my makeup and hair stuff. We became really close, she was my flower girl in my wedding. Ann spent many weekends at my house when we still lived in Maine and she loved helping me with my first daughter after she was born. Ann and I had formed a bond that was very close.

After we moved to Pittsburgh Ann went through some rough times that every teenager does, going out with boys that she shouldn't, not getting such hot grades, and getting into a little bit of trouble with other things. When she moved to Pittsburgh with her parents she was not a very happy camper but we all hoped it would be for the best. It took awhile but she made friends and her and I began to once again form that close bond.

When Ann moved into our house things were pretty good, of course nothing is perfect, but for the most part good. You have to picture there were eight people living under one roof, two families with their different styles of living, thank god we loved each other.

Ann started to get very sick and she had a lot of pain so we took her to the doctors. I can't even begin to make you understand how many doctor and hospital visits we had before we found out what was wrong with her. The doctors had diagnoised her with everything in the book but what she had, they even actually accused her of making it up! Her mother did not drive so I was at every visit with her and after the fifth time of her endlessly being in the hospital I lost it.

Ann was in so much pain and it was like nobody cared or believed her, it had been six months since the initial visit. One of the most important things I have ever done in my life was what I did next, I called Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. We immediately signed her out of the hospital she was in and I brought her to Childrens. Within one day we found out that Ann had Lymphoma cancer in all of her lymphoids. She was immediately treated with chemotherapy and this treatment would go on for years.

After spending some time in Children's Hospital Ann came home and I brought her to all her appointments. Worry is putting lightly what everyone was feeling. It is very hard to be strong and confident when you are looking at a child being so sick but she needed that from us. My children were small and they grew up fast in that way, My oldest daughter wrote a essay for her school on Ann that she won a award for. She was in fifth or sixth grade at the time and I don't believe there was a dry eye in the room. Her mother and father were beside themselves but helped her through everything as did my husband and myself.

The sounds of Ann being sick after her treatments and the first time she screamed when she lost her hair haunt me. I can't tell you how many emergency trips we made to Children's, all I remember is driving like a bat out of hell while her mother cared for her in the back seat. Seventeen and dealing with all this, also being in another state where you don't have those lifetime friends to hold you together. Ann missed many, many days of school that year but the school was great. Ann had a super tutor that came over all the time, she became a close family friend, I remember a group from the school coming to our door and giving her a coat and gift certificate which I thought was very kind. People help, kindness helps, you never forget what people do for you in times like that.

Ann, after years of chemotherapy, was in remission and was told the cancer was gone. She was told that she would never be able to have children and for the first five years would have to be checked regularly.

Today, Ann is around thirty six, she is married with two beautiful children. Ann is proof that miracles can happen, she is proof that if you or someone in your family is going through this or something similar that there can be a happy ending.