Get Rid Of All The Clutter

Spring is a great time to get rid of all the clutter and things that have been hanging around your house for years because someone thought for sure they would use it for something or that they would be able to gain or lose weight to fit in that particular item again.

Time to let things go, the only time you think of these things is when you are spring cleaning any way. All year long you don't even remember you had these items until you spring clean, then you use the same excuse as you did last year to keep that item.

Cleaning up and making room for new things gives you a good feeling. Getting rid of things finally means next year you won't be facing the same question of throwing the item away.

One year I took it upon myself to clean out the garage, it took me all day but I really accomplished a lot. My husband had so many things hanging around that were never used that it wasn't funny. Someone would be getting rid of something in the neighborhood and he would be picking it up for the reason that some day he just might need it. I threw so much out, he almost panicked when he saw all I threw out.

Funny thing is, it has probably been five years since I did that clean up job and he hasn't asked once for any article that I got rid of.

Of course pay close attention to anything that might be of value. If you question the worth of an item, it is smart to have someone with knowledge look at it before discarding that item.

I've of remembered the Shirley Temple doll I had, or the beatles balloon people I had, or a whole set up of all the presidents through the years. I was young and didn't think I wanted them any more, god I wish I had known better!

Be Your Own Best Friend

Do You Hate Your Mirror?

Do you hate looking in your mirror? A important fact I have found in my life is that you need to feel good about yourself. You need to try every day to make the changes in your life to make that feeling possible.

I always thought if you can look in the mirror and like what you see on the inside and out that you have done your job for that day. I think when you really look at yourself in the mirror you see things that you might not notice about yourself.

You can make changes on the way you look, maybe you want to change your hair, makeup, weight, anything along that line. You can also make changes that will change the look you see on your face. When you look in the mirror do you see a person that isn't getting enough sleep? Do you see someone who isn't happy or is carrying around a lot of stress?

It is so important that you notice the person you are seeing in that mirror. When you can recognize the problem, you can then work on solving it. Whether it be something really minor or something major that you want to change doesn't matter, it is that you took the time to notice.

An example of this would be that when my kids use to come home with their report card and sometimes their grade wouldn't be as good as the last time. My children would give me their report card and wait to see how I would respond. Early on I learned that it was better for both of us if I laid the response on them. I would say, "Hey, if you can look in the mirror and you are happy with that grade and you know you have done the best you can do then ok.". It worked for us, because then they began to notice that only they had the power to make things the way they wanted them to be.

I believe this theory can work for all people if they give it a try. When you are really looking at yourself it is hard to lie, it's harder to let things go, it's harder to not notice.

Funny thing, that mirror, it shows you a person that you have all the power in the world to change. That mirror gives you the ability to make you feel better about yourself on the inside and out.

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Be At Peace With Your Decisions

Your parent or friend is dying and you haven't spoken for a long time because of conflict between you, what do you do to be at peace with your decision?

I was talking to a close friend a few months ago that had a parent who was dying from cancer. The problem my friend was having was that her mom and her had a falling out and had not been speaking for a very long time. She was having trouble mostly because it took her so long to get to the point where she felt she had done everything she could do for that relationship and was content in her life without her mother. Now the tables were turning, her mother was very sick and who was going to care for her? My friend was the only child and her father had already passed away.

My friend, knowing that I had dealt with problems of my own with my parents, came to me for advice. Lets just say we sat and talked for at least three hours and when we were done she told me that I really helped her. She said because of all I had been through with my parents that she expected me to say the opposite than I did, I think she was hoping I would.

Trying to be as brief as I can on our conversation, I started by telling my friend how things occurred. I was married for a few months and hadn't spoken to my parents in several months. I, for the first time in my life, could be me without worry of a disaster being around the corner. My husband and I were entertaining a few of our friends in our apartment when my phone rang, it was my mother.

Good thing I had a couple drinks in me because I handled it more calmly. My mother told me my father was dying from lung cancer. My father and I were not close at all ever, actually, he was never a good father to me as I was concerned. I don't remember that phone conversation well enough to tell you what was said but I know I did a lot of listening. After our friends left our apartment and I told my husband what was happening, my brain had to sort out what I was going to do.

I will tell you that I came up with many more reasons not to go see him than I did to go see him. One fact remained steady, he was my father. Whether I liked, loved, or hated him, he was my father and he was dying. I went to my parents house for the first time since the horrible day that I left. God, it was hard to be there. There were no apologies for the past, no I love you's, no emotion but that I was doing what was expected of me.

I not only went there that first day but many days after, I stayed with my father when my mother couldn't be there, I went to the hospital when he was in there, and I was there at the hospital the day he died. The day my father died, I swear he waited for me to be there, it was the first time in my entire life that my father told me he loved me and was proud of me. The words came a little late for me but probably gave him some peace while dying.

Do I regret my decision to be there for my father? The answer is a definite NO, I would do the same if I had to do it all over again. I did the same with my mother after but she didn't pass away for another twenty-four years.

My feelings are this, people don't always meet your expectations, they don't even meet their own. As bad as things were in our home growing up there was always the thought it could have been worse. If I was to be honest, my decisions were truly based on what I could live with. I was becoming closer to the person I wanted to be and with respect for myself and my parents being my parents, I made the right decision.

My friends mother has since passed away, she did go back and spend time with her. Although the situations that made them part were never addressed and resolved, my friend is a peace with her decision.

If you have this same kind of situation, know that you are not alone, do what is best for you in the long run. You do not have to give in, you are not admitting defeat, you don't even have to talk about the past. You do, however, need to live in the future and be able to be at peace with your decisions.

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Taking A Step Back Helps

The best thing to do when you are angry with someone is to take a step backward and take a really good look at the whole situation.

Trying to take that step is definitely not always an easy thing to accomplish. People get very caught up in the moment though when they don't take the time to evaluate the situation. The reactions and words passed are done from anger and not always what you wanted to say or do.

When people get really angry I think the first defense is to hurt the other person as much as you are hurting. The fights get so crazy and out of hand and by the end of them you are fighting over something that didn't even have to do with the problem that started it. Many times you don't even know what started the fight in the first place.

What you do know though is what you said or what the other person said that hurt. Many times people regret things that they say or do and think that an apology will clear it all up. The fact is words hurt, some times they hurt more than being punched, words are hard to forget.

Look at it this way, when somebody says something really nice to you, do you remember it? It is the same thing with someone saying something really bad, hard to forget.

How many times have you watched two people that you care about fight and cringe when they say something you know they didn't mean or shouldn't have said? If we learned to take that step back and take a good look before reacting, not every situation but some, we would have definitely have a different conclusion. Try taking that step back, encourage others to try taking it too.

If people said to each other, just give me fifteen minutes to think this out and then we'll talk, do you think it would work out better for everyone? I do. Make taking a step backward a new fighting rule in your home and let me know how it works for you.

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Dig Way Down Inside

I learned at a very young age that if you dig way down inside yourself and tried harder than you have ever tried before, that you can become the person you want to be. People tend to take the easy way out and make comments like, "I'm like this because of how I was raised." or "My family was messed up, always fighting, abusing alcohol, and I had no choice but to turn out like them."

I am here to tell you that is just a crock of crap! You're taking the easy way out. You have no ambition to succeed and to become a better person. It's true and the thing is, you know it. You're scared and maybe you don't know where to begin but you really want this. You need this for yourself more than for anyone else.

Well, let me tell you just a little bit about my childhood. My parents had their own business, they had a beautiful home, and they were very involved in a few private clubs. My parents had great cars, a lot on a lake, and four boats. My parents had three children, all girls. I was the youngest, my sisters were eight and ten years older than me. We always had the best clothes, toys, basically any item that someone else could see. My parents were very materialistic people.

My parents were very strict and when I say strict the couple of examples I can give you are, I was not allowed to wear jeans except on Fridays but they could not have one little hole in it, where I went and how long I was gone was totally monitored, I did my chores without question, and I never spoke with even the littlest testy tone when I spoke to them. Sounds great doesn't it? Sounds like a normal home that had parents that were a little strict.

My parents behind doors fought so much, their fights were violent, destructive, and to always be kept in silence from others. I remember being like seven years old, being brought to the hospital in my pajamas being warned to tell anyone who asked, that my mother's arm was bleeding and all cut up, from an accident where she had tripped and fallen through a glass window. I remember guns being held to family members heads because they were so messed up and fighting. I remember pills being taken to threaten suicide and threats to myself that I could never let anyone know that we were nothing but the fantastic family that everyone else thought we were. Mostly, I remember being scared way more than any child should be. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, I am trying to show you that you can move on and be better from all this.

Being so secretive all my life caused me a lot more problems. I couldn't tell anyone important things that were happening to me that should have been told. I kept so many secrets, some that could have put my life in danger. I was extremely scared, hurt, and defensive the minute someone would approach me in a negative way. I probably acted more like a snob in peoples eyes because I tried to act accordingly with how I was taught to act. My closest friends, even my boyfriend that I loved, didn't know what was happening in my life. I never told them till I was older, some I never told. Beyond a couple that witnessed a few things, nobody knew, the ones that did I made promise to not tell anyone. Most people never knew and really there was no reason for them to, I learned how to handle every situation myself, alone.

Now to get back to the point I'm trying to make. When I was eighteen, I had experienced the worst year of my life, and I decided that in order to make it better for myself that I had to change. Now when I say change, I mean more the way I was with people, public things, the way I reacted to things. I didn't want to be like my parents, was really the thing I didn't want to be. I was letting life kick me in the butt and using the way things were for my excuse.

I began my change by knowing one simple fact, I was a really good person. I always had a lot of friends, I really got along with most every person I met, I always helped people. Actually, I was better at helping others than I was at helping myself. That was just my start, I moved out of my home and then my journey really began. Leaving my parents home was an event in itself, they made it as hard as they could with threats and the works. But I did it and was lucky enough to have a family that loved me dearly take me in for a while. They were an important influence on me at that time and I love them dearly. From the day I made this decision to change I have worked on trust issues, being honest issues, and being confident that I hold an important role in my life. My defense issues were the hardest and I had to learn to let people know better what I was feeling inside. I had to learn that if a negative thought came my way it didn't mean that I wasn't loved. Sounds easy but even today I still have trouble with that. One good thing about it though is I can admit that I have this problem and than therefore work on it. I'm not blaming my past but changing my future.

I've overcome a lot in my life and I am so far away from being my parents that I couldn't be any happier. I some times feel that I am two separate people, the one who lived that life that seems like it was someone else, and the person that I am today. My husband knows most everything about my past and I have told my kids things that I felt would help them in their own lives. I told them because I wanted them to know that no matter what happens in their life not to use it as an excuse not to do better. With a lot of dedication and hard work, for yourself, make the changes you want to make in yourself and for yourself. Good Luck!

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Illness And Happy Endings

As I told you before my in laws moved in with us for a couple years and my sister in law was sixteen at the time. Sixteen is a hard age for anyone and my sister in law, Ann, had a really difficult situation ahead of her that would change her life forever.

When I first met Ann she was six years old and I use to spend a lot of time with her. She was the youngest of five children and being a lot younger than the other children, three being boys, she needed the attention. I would take her to the beach and to my house to let her play with all my makeup and hair stuff. We became really close, she was my flower girl in my wedding. Ann spent many weekends at my house when we still lived in Maine and she loved helping me with my first daughter after she was born. Ann and I had formed a bond that was very close.

After we moved to Pittsburgh Ann went through some rough times that every teenager does, going out with boys that she shouldn't, not getting such hot grades, and getting into a little bit of trouble with other things. When she moved to Pittsburgh with her parents she was not a very happy camper but we all hoped it would be for the best. It took awhile but she made friends and her and I began to once again form that close bond.

When Ann moved into our house things were pretty good, of course nothing is perfect, but for the most part good. You have to picture there were eight people living under one roof, two families with their different styles of living, thank god we loved each other.

Ann started to get very sick and she had a lot of pain so we took her to the doctors. I can't even begin to make you understand how many doctor and hospital visits we had before we found out what was wrong with her. The doctors had diagnoised her with everything in the book but what she had, they even actually accused her of making it up! Her mother did not drive so I was at every visit with her and after the fifth time of her endlessly being in the hospital I lost it.

Ann was in so much pain and it was like nobody cared or believed her, it had been six months since the initial visit. One of the most important things I have ever done in my life was what I did next, I called Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. We immediately signed her out of the hospital she was in and I brought her to Childrens. Within one day we found out that Ann had Lymphoma cancer in all of her lymphoids. She was immediately treated with chemotherapy and this treatment would go on for years.

After spending some time in Children's Hospital Ann came home and I brought her to all her appointments. Worry is putting lightly what everyone was feeling. It is very hard to be strong and confident when you are looking at a child being so sick but she needed that from us. My children were small and they grew up fast in that way, My oldest daughter wrote a essay for her school on Ann that she won a award for. She was in fifth or sixth grade at the time and I don't believe there was a dry eye in the room. Her mother and father were beside themselves but helped her through everything as did my husband and myself.

The sounds of Ann being sick after her treatments and the first time she screamed when she lost her hair haunt me. I can't tell you how many emergency trips we made to Children's, all I remember is driving like a bat out of hell while her mother cared for her in the back seat. Seventeen and dealing with all this, also being in another state where you don't have those lifetime friends to hold you together. Ann missed many, many days of school that year but the school was great. Ann had a super tutor that came over all the time, she became a close family friend, I remember a group from the school coming to our door and giving her a coat and gift certificate which I thought was very kind. People help, kindness helps, you never forget what people do for you in times like that.

Ann, after years of chemotherapy, was in remission and was told the cancer was gone. She was told that she would never be able to have children and for the first five years would have to be checked regularly.

Today, Ann is around thirty six, she is married with two beautiful children. Ann is proof that miracles can happen, she is proof that if you or someone in your family is going through this or something similar that there can be a happy ending.

Unwanted Changes

When my Children were pretty young we had a lot happen within our family that caused us to make changes in our lives. My mother and father in law still lived in Maine and my father in law had a bad heart attack leaving him unable to work or take care of himself on his own. This left my mother in law in a bad situation because she did not work enough to take on her bill situation. Also, my in laws still had a sixteen year old child living with them.

I went to Maine because my husbands job could not let him go at that time and I helped my mother in law go through all her financial situations. I made all the phone calls that needed to be made and after all was said and done we had decided to bring them back to Pittsburgh to live near us.

We moved them to an apartment that was only a few streets away from us, they had money from selling their home in Maine. I knew moving was so hard on them because it had been hard on me and they had lived in Maine all their lives. My father in law had been a walking mailman and he was involved with clubs. My mother in law had many friends and family that lived in Maine also. My sister in law was sixteen and, well, I don't have to tell you how hard that was for her.

The reason they moved to Pittsburgh was because they were very close to my husband and myself. They knew we would take care of them and felt it was best for their youngest daughter. You see, being that their was a huge age gap between them, it was hard for them to understand their daughter and she tended to cause them a few problems. You can imagine that moving was a big problem for her.

After a few years of living in the apartment, their finances were turning hard. They were still paying bills for Maine and here, things were starting to get tight. We decided to add a addition on our house and had them all come live with us. For a while things were ok, there was so much confusion at first.

After two years we all together decided that it was just to much strain on our relationship to be in one house. I am telling you that we love each other very much but it just had things that really just didn't work out. It certainly wasn't for the lack of trying.

My mother in law was working for my husband at that time and we found a small home that had a really good rent price and they moved there. For a couple more years they had this home and seemed to be very happy and content until my father in law had another heart attack, my nephew was hit by a car (he is fine now), and all this caused my mother in law to have a severe stroke that left her unable to be left alone. Now we had two parents that were not able to be alone and in wheel chairs.

Try to find help out there, one that you actually can do and is affordable. If you can find it, I couldn't, but I wish you luck. I worked full time at this time and my children were growing up fast, I needed to work. After many, many attempts to try to find a solution we ended up having them move back to Maine with their other son who owns his own restaurant that is right beside his house. There is always somebody home and they would be well taken care of.

This killed us, my children cried, we cried, they cried. We felt like we had let them down and their brother tried to tell us it was his turn and not to feel that way. I think we will always feel bad about that decision even though we know it was the right thing to do for them. Putting them in a nursing home was not a option and none of us could have afforded to do that anyway. Their daughter, being older and married now, remained in Pittsburgh.

I know there must be many of you out there dealing with this same kind of situation and I just want to let you know you are not alone. Talk to someone, don't hold it all in, these feelings can really be hard to deal with. I know, I had a lot of trouble dealing and it was really hard on my husband. You feel like you let everyone down, my children were so close to their grandparents as you can imagine. If you need to vent, please do so, just letting it out may help you.

Now, my father in law, has passed away. He was on his way to a birthday party so you know he was happy. My mother in law still lives with my brother in law but now visits here at least a few times a year. My sister in law is married, has two children and still lives in Pittsburgh. I will tell you more about my sister in law in my next article, it will be something you will want to read.